Day 69

Today was a hard day. Not only has it been raining for a week, with no end in sight, but this morning my dear Grampa died. He died peacefully in his sleep, with his wife and daughter nearby. I had often imagined what I would do when I receive the inevitable news that his body had finally given up the struggle, but my reaction was not something I could have planned for. I thought I would be happy, glad to know he was no longer in pain, but instead I was just so sad. So suddenly sad. I don't think I have ever spontaneously burst into tears before. All I could think about was, "how is this possible? He was supposed to never die." What a crazy thought to have. But am I crazy? To me Grampa ran the world. In some way I always thought he was in charge of everything. Time, probably; money, for sure; death, absolutely. He always seemed to make things happen, or not let things happen. I kind of always assumed that he could just do anything. And so when he started getting sick, I always just assumed he would get better. And he usually did. He would get very sick, we would all worry, and then bam! The next thing I would knew he was back to his usual self. I never thought there would be an actual end to him. Even today, while my sister calmly explained to me over Skype, what had happened, I felt like I was in shock. "Wait, it really happened?"

It took me a long time to get over that initial shock. And then I went to work and got hit with it again as everyone seemed to know and want to offer sympathy. Which I appreciated, but there is something about being told over and over how awful it must be, that makes it really truly awful. Then I never know what to say when someone says, "I'm so sorry for your loss". Thank you? I'm sorry too? *look away awkwardly and mumble*? I feel like everyone expects a fountain of tears, and then they can just hug you and move on... but if you don't produce the tears at that moment, then it becomes awkward.... you can't escape, they can't escape... no one knows what to do. THEN if you start crying some other random time they nod, like they had just been waiting for the dam to break. I know I do the same thing when faced with other people grieving... I just wish their was some kind of guide book that we could all read to learn how to deal in these situations. But then again, everyone needs different things. So who knows.

So all afternoon I fought the tears. They came and went. Sometimes I felt fine, and then without warning they would come back, full force. The strange thing is, whenever I thought about Grampa today I thought about him laughing in the sunshine. I have this picture of him in my mind, in Nova Scotia, out in the back yard. The sun is kind of going down, so everything is really bright and yellow and green, and he is laughing. I don't know what he is laughing at, or why, but he's just laughing. And it's summer and I can see the fuzz floating through the air, and its so quiet, except for his laugh. Or he's sitting in the living room, in his chair, taking a nap with his mouth wide open. Or he's petting Susie on the front step. Or he's painting....

I think I will always remember him fondly. He was one of the best. I still can't believe I won't get to see him again on this earth... Bye bye Grampa. I love you.

Today is day 69. only a little over two months to go here in Korealand. We are expecting a typhoon to come through this weekend. Should be exciting times. We had a typhoon last September. I think I blogged about the downed power line outside my apartment. Hopefully this years will be less exciting. Justin told me not to ride my bike, climb any trees or hang from the power lines during the Typhoon. I guess that's pretty solid advice ;-) I will try to let you know how it all pans out. I think that is all the blogging I have in me for tonight.

I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you have people around you that love you. And shoulders to cry on, and arms to hold you. I hope that you are safe, and warm, and dry.

That is all.

Michelle