Day 69

Today was a hard day. Not only has it been raining for a week, with no end in sight, but this morning my dear Grampa died. He died peacefully in his sleep, with his wife and daughter nearby. I had often imagined what I would do when I receive the inevitable news that his body had finally given up the struggle, but my reaction was not something I could have planned for. I thought I would be happy, glad to know he was no longer in pain, but instead I was just so sad. So suddenly sad. I don't think I have ever spontaneously burst into tears before. All I could think about was, "how is this possible? He was supposed to never die." What a crazy thought to have. But am I crazy? To me Grampa ran the world. In some way I always thought he was in charge of everything. Time, probably; money, for sure; death, absolutely. He always seemed to make things happen, or not let things happen. I kind of always assumed that he could just do anything. And so when he started getting sick, I always just assumed he would get better. And he usually did. He would get very sick, we would all worry, and then bam! The next thing I would knew he was back to his usual self. I never thought there would be an actual end to him. Even today, while my sister calmly explained to me over Skype, what had happened, I felt like I was in shock. "Wait, it really happened?"

It took me a long time to get over that initial shock. And then I went to work and got hit with it again as everyone seemed to know and want to offer sympathy. Which I appreciated, but there is something about being told over and over how awful it must be, that makes it really truly awful. Then I never know what to say when someone says, "I'm so sorry for your loss". Thank you? I'm sorry too? *look away awkwardly and mumble*? I feel like everyone expects a fountain of tears, and then they can just hug you and move on... but if you don't produce the tears at that moment, then it becomes awkward.... you can't escape, they can't escape... no one knows what to do. THEN if you start crying some other random time they nod, like they had just been waiting for the dam to break. I know I do the same thing when faced with other people grieving... I just wish their was some kind of guide book that we could all read to learn how to deal in these situations. But then again, everyone needs different things. So who knows.

So all afternoon I fought the tears. They came and went. Sometimes I felt fine, and then without warning they would come back, full force. The strange thing is, whenever I thought about Grampa today I thought about him laughing in the sunshine. I have this picture of him in my mind, in Nova Scotia, out in the back yard. The sun is kind of going down, so everything is really bright and yellow and green, and he is laughing. I don't know what he is laughing at, or why, but he's just laughing. And it's summer and I can see the fuzz floating through the air, and its so quiet, except for his laugh. Or he's sitting in the living room, in his chair, taking a nap with his mouth wide open. Or he's petting Susie on the front step. Or he's painting....

I think I will always remember him fondly. He was one of the best. I still can't believe I won't get to see him again on this earth... Bye bye Grampa. I love you.

Today is day 69. only a little over two months to go here in Korealand. We are expecting a typhoon to come through this weekend. Should be exciting times. We had a typhoon last September. I think I blogged about the downed power line outside my apartment. Hopefully this years will be less exciting. Justin told me not to ride my bike, climb any trees or hang from the power lines during the Typhoon. I guess that's pretty solid advice ;-) I will try to let you know how it all pans out. I think that is all the blogging I have in me for tonight.

I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you have people around you that love you. And shoulders to cry on, and arms to hold you. I hope that you are safe, and warm, and dry.

That is all.

Michelle

On the eve of the tenth month...

It's a balmy Wednesday evening in Korea, and I am feeling good =)

Currently listening to Brandon Flowers croon to me about how "although we had our problems, we were fine". It makes me think about farming for some reason. Now he's telling me how he "came here to get over you". Probable talking about me, that's the only thing that makes sense!

We have entered into a new phase of weather here in Korea. The locals call it spring. I call it hot. Its not even as hot as it's going to be yet, but already its messing with my sleep. I haven't closed my bedroom window in weeks. I moved my fan from the other side of the room, to the foot of my bed in an effort to get some air moving around me while I sleep. The problem is, up until last night I was not wanting to sleep with my door open. And so the air would not come in through the window. Heaps of noise would come in, but nary a breeze. So last night, despite my hate of open doors while sleeping, I propped my door open with an umbrella and went to sleep while soft breezes rustled around me. And I slept. It was delightful.

Today I started my new workout plan/schedule. I have been going to the gym fairly regularly since I have been here. I took a few months off during the harsh winter when it was too cold to go outside at all, but before that I went a lot and since then I go even more. So the working out is not so much the issue. The issue is I am tired in the evening, which is usually when I go to the gym. I am tired and then I am hungry, like a beast, afterwards. So I workout late, get all energized, eat a ton late at night then can't sleep. Terrible cycle. So today I decided to go to the gym during my break from 2:30pm- 5pm. Terrific idea. I went for about an hour and then came back, ate some food and took a shower and went back to school. And now that I have taught again for a couple hours, I still feel ok. I am not starving, and I don't have the dread of working out looming over my evening. Its quite nice. Plus, in the middle of the day there are less people at the gym. Not so many gawking men, who act like they have never seen a foreigner, let alone a female. It's very awkward usually. But not the case in the middle of the day. The only people there are there to focus on their workout, not sight see. Very refreshing.

There are only 77 more days left of my stay in this country. I can't believe its almost been an entire year. What a thing to do... live in Korea for a year. Craziness. I am very proud of myself for sticking it out. I was about to quit a couple times, but sheer stubbornness and the knowledge that I would have to live with myself as a quitter for the rest of my life, made me stick it out. Although I should be careful, its not really over yet! My religion students laugh at me when I tell them I have a countdown. They are such a great group. We have so much fun! I will miss them. Most of them have taken my religion class for the past few terms. One girl has taken it since I got here. That is dedication. But they are all very nice, very funny and smart. We have great discussions.

I have a bike now and ride it to school sometimes. At first I was a very nervous biker. I haven't really done a lot of biking since I broke my collar bone senior year. But, its just like riding a bike! Just get on and go! Easy. The thing that is more tricky/dangerous here, is that no one really owns the road. Its every man, woman and child for himself or herself. Ring your bell, then veer violently when they still step in front of you. Watch for cars and trucks of all shapes and sizes, trying to pass on both sides, from both directions, try not to run over the little old lady selling greens, and then, please don't kill any small children! This is my mission, every time I get on m bike. Don't get killed, and don't kill anyone. Of course I am not even going very fast... but all the hazards along the way make it feel much faster than it really is. (mom, please calm down) My bike has made life easier though. I can use it to haul groceries, which I have actually only done once, but it was great... So I am glad I have it. A girl who lived here before gave it to me when she left, so when I leave I will pass it on. Hopefully many teachers can use it. Its the giving bike =)

It's kind of hard to be here sometime when I see all the posts about people getting married and having babies, not because I wish I was doing that, but because I am missing out on it. I didn't get to go to their wedding, or see their brand new baby.. Makes me sad. I feel like I am missing out on a lot of friends lives being over here. And I knew that would happen. It happens anytime you move to a new place. Someone somewhere always gets left behind. Thank goodness for Facebook, keeping us all connected, whether you like it or not! But I am so glad I came here. I hardly remember the girl I was before I left. I know she wasn't as smart as this one. I feel like somehow I grew up being over here. I think I was stuck being a big baby/adult before, but I feel like I have finally crossed the line into actual adulthood. Who would have thought that would happen while teaching a bunch of babies! The memories might fade, and I might forget some things I saw, or did, but the lessons, that's what sticks with you forever. And I have learned a lot =) So that is good news I think.

And so, on the eve of the tenth month, I sit here in the gathering gloom, spilling my guts out to all you people who read this. Knowing you read this has kept me going sometimes.. Thanks =) I hope that if you ever get a chance to do something like this, that you won't hesitate. Any age, doesn't matter. If you want to do it, DO IT. Suck up all the fears you have and get way out of your comfort zone and learn about another culture. No one expects you to feel fine right away, life is a journey... right? You learn along the way, while meeting really interesting, fantastic, loving, smart, funny and different people. So yeah. DO IT!!!

That is all.

Michelle

Rant.

I need to rant for a second.

Korean girls can wear shirts and call it a dress. They will wear shorts and heels and that's ok. They can prance all over the earth in the shortest skirts known to humankind and that's fine. They can wear off the shoulder, open necked shirts. They can even wear tank tops, but only if coupled with longer pants. BUT the second I step out of my apartment wearing a very modest tank top and shorts, on the hottest day so far, I get yelled at by all the old women. REALLY? And I don't care what logic you feel like you want to share with me about this. But I will tell you this. I turned around and went home, put on a big baggy shirt, with the same shorts again, and went out and no one even gave me a second glance. And I passed by many girls wearing MUCH less than me. KOREA stop holding me to your double standard!!

Its upsetting. I am going to spend the whole summer being awkward in my own skin. I am not excited about this.

And another thing. Just because I don't look like you, doesn't give you the right to talk to me endlessly. I was sitting in McDonalds the other day, eating some fries and noticed there was a lady standing off to the side, just talking to me. On and on and on. I clearly am not responding. I shook my head and said no. She came closer, yap yap yap. This happens a lot. Maybe next time I will just get up and stand OVER her and talk in English, on and on and see how she likes it. Seriously making me mad.

That's it for the moment. =)

I've been to Korea.

5:45am comes too late when you can't fall asleep. And yet I still managed to hop out of bed and eat running on only about two solid hours of sleep.

Why on earth would I wake up at 5:45 on a Sunday? To climb a rock of course.

Cleo and I went and met one of Cleo's students, Judy, at the train station at 6:30am. These Koreans like to get a head start on the world. We rode the subway for about an hour to a place called Dobong Mountain. Which is famous, by the way.

Then we walked through the preday fog to the trail leading to the base of the peak and proceeded to hike up a million stairs for about an hour and a half. I am not talking a leisure walk through the woods. This is hard core, up a steep hill for miles. Oh did I mention that Koreans like to be prepared? So we were all carrying backpacks. Mine had my lunch in it, and then an extra pair of shoes Judy had brought me. Cleo ended up taking a pack that was supposed to be mine, that they so kindly packed for me. I am not even sure what was in it. I can hike, don't get me wrong. I can even climb a lot of stairs if I have to. But I don't like doing it super fast, and definitely not with a backpack full of hiking boots on my back.

But anyway... back to my story. We hiked up this trail for a good long while. Then, just as I thought I might actually die from drowning in my own sweat, we were at the base of the summit.

We geared up to take on the rock face. I got hooked up with a really nice harness and some climbing shoes and a helmet and then we climbed a small rock to wait for our fearless leader man to climb the first section. We were doing something I have never done before. Where you climb up... then the next person climbs up and the first person belays them and then so on.... until everyone is up, then you all come down. It's like a giant team sport. Anyway as he was climbing I saw a hawk, perched way up above him, just kind of watching the whole thing. Then suddenly two hawks started screaming and diving at him as he was climbing. Apparently he was getting a little too close to their nest. So he backed up and tried a different route. Wouldn't you know but another set of hawks started attacking him. Full force. They dove and screamed and hit him with their bodies. We could hear the sound of them colliding with his helmet. So he backed down again. He told us after he got down that he could see the nest right beside him and that it had a baby bird in it. I guess they had good reason to scream at him.

Clearly we were not going to be climbing at this particular location so we set off back to find a different one. We went back a different way that involved climbing down a rope and a lot of sliding.

We finally got to a place where we could climb and started the process all over again. I was second last to climb. So I got to watch how everyone else did it. And then it was my turn! I scampered up the first section, and then got worn out and confused for a little while, did some flailing around, used my head and figured it all out and made it to the top. With almost all my skin. So then I clipped in at the top and waited while the last person came up. Then climbed up the second section. It was much more challenging. I had to wedge my foot in a crack, then put my hands in the same crack to form a kind of triangle with my body. Then using gravity somehow, crawl up the crack, sideways. Yes. It is confusing to do, let alone explain. Anyway I figured it out and it wasn't as hard as I had thought.

Then we came down. Ate some fantastic food and took a break. I thought I was done, but the men had other ideas. They thought we should climb MORE. So I went one more time. It was a crazy course. I went straight up this big flat thing. I am not even sure how I did it. A lot of wall hugging and shimmying. I will be oh so sore tomorrow. Good thing there is now school.

The trek down was much easier and we got back to the bottom in good shape. Literally, my thighs and butt felt like they were on fire. I wiped out once on the trail going down and almost slid right over the edge of the path. But stopped and grabbed the rail before that happened. That would have been exciting.

And so that was my epic adventure. Judy said, "You haven't really been to Korea unless you climbed Dobong mountain." So now I guess I can say I was in Korea. Wheee!

the end

Michelle