River Constantine

Nearly every Friday night, I come home after vespers exhausted, drained from the week. I take a shower, light some candles, turn on some Jars of Clay, and write in my journal.

Tonight, the lyrics from one of their songs caught my attention.

"Carry me, Your love is wider than my need could ever be
Come to me, and I will walk along Your shore
Feel Your crashing waves sing in time with the music of my heart ...

River deep, could I know You as well as You know me?"

Every day, I teach a religion class. I pray at the beginning, for the ability to develop English skills and to learn about the Bible. I pray at the end to bring us back safely again the next day. Every day, I go to Kinderest and I teach screaming, snotting, silly children and I try to love them. Every Friday after vespers, when I don't think I can possibly give any more, I lead a small discussion group and I correct English and we talk about God. And, through all of this, I try to be a good teacher, a good Christian, a good friend. And most of the time, I feel I fail miserably. I am tired all the time. I am sick most of the time. I don't have enough smiles or enough time or enough energy to do everything I feel I should. Still, I try.

There are so many things I think I need. An extra hour (or three) of sleep, breakfast burritos, time to watch TV and relax, someone to talk to after I've had what feels like the longest day of my life. My needs feel so monumental at each and every moment, and yet, God says His love is wider and deeper and grander and more complete than my need could ever be. This is beyond my comprehension.

~~Christina

Dilemma

Alright, time to blog!

The whole time I have been here I have been planning on leaving Kinderest at the 6 month mark because I want to experience all of Korea. However, I have been offered MORE hours if I stay and better overall work load situation. I would work 5 hours at Kinderest, which gives me a slight raise, and then a fixed religion class time and then possibly no more Vespers presentations. I am still interested in another job, the Kinderest Coordinator position, but they have changed it from being a full time job to being part-time and I am not sure I want to do that. So I have a couple options that I need to figure out by next Friday. If I leave Kinderest I will be giving myself a huge pay reduction, because teaching adults does not pay as well as teaching Kindergarten. If I stay I won't have to move... If I leave, I get to move. Its a tough decision. Please pray for me!

Hmm, in other news... I am doing Vespers tomorrow night, so that has been stressing me out a little this whole week. I think it should be fine, but preparing for anything, especially when I tend to put things off til the last possible second, is always stressful. I am tired, can't seem to get over the tiredness. It just follows me around...

Anyway, thats all for now, goodnight

Michelle

Smile.

I am so glad for the weekend.

To say that this week has been challenging, wouldn't really be appropriate. Perhaps to say that it was a fight of mind over matter and a steep uphill clawing, would be more accurate.

Nothing huge happened, but the accumulation of the little things that really made it just overwhelming. For example, sitting for an hour, almost every night this week, waiting for a religion class that never showed up. Or listening to a woman drive my friends nuts with her bi-polar tendencies. Or being fed rice everyday until I thought I would die. Or the intensely cold air I get to breathe everyday that won't let me get over this stupid cough. Or the substitute teacher who I have a hard time dealing with, Or maybe it was that one kid in my junior class who tells me to go to hell everyday as I walk through the door. I am not sure which of these things really made the week long, but they certainly all contributed.

However, now that I have made it through, mostly unscathed, I feel fairly calm and positive about next week. Of course, that's easy to say on Friday, we'll see if the feeling makes it until Monday.

The silver lining of all this, is that I am off this weekend, which is always nice. I don't have to DO anything. I can just stay at home and relax, recover, soak my feet and find happy Michelle again. Weekends off are my happy place! The other silver lining, within the silver lining, is that I finished reading an incredible book today. I started it this summer on my hot, sweaty road trip to the Keys, reading it aloud as we flew down the highway with all the windows down, and then I forgot about it and left it half finished until this week. Then I remembered it was there and decided to read it. At first it was hard to read it silently and I almost started reading it out loud to myself. But I thought that would be silly, so I just kept reading and got so engrossed I didn't even notice that it was finished. I hate that. I think the most depressing thing on earth, after taking down the Christmas tree, is finishing a really good book.

I don't know about all of you but when I read, it becomes another world. I get so into it that time vanishes, food doesn't matter and I forget about real life. This has caused problems. Like, in school, when I would go to bed and just read a chapter and then suddenly realize I was halfway through and it was three o'clock in the morning. That happens all the time actually. Its a problem. A sickness really. But then, you get so involved with the characters, the words, whatever and you want to jump inside and just stay there forever and then it ends. And it leaves a hole. A beautiful, beautiful hole. I love it. People who don't read are really missing out. Seriously.

Anyway, I am getting sidetracked. The point is, even in the terrible, awful, no good, really bad week, I still can find something to be happy about and that is what I would like to pass onto you! Even though it seems like things are terrible... Not all of it was bad, come on. You are alive, probably not starving to death if you are able to read this, you have a house, and a computer, eh? So, suck it up. Get through the crap and then sit back and remember the good stuff. And smile. You must smile =)

That is all.

Michelle

My new apartment

This past week I had to move to a new apartment two buildings over from my old apartment, because the lease was up. An older, smaller, dingier apartment than my other one. I complained about it the entire time I was moving.

"It's like a cross between the Great Depression and a bad 70s motel room up in here."

"When was this building built, the 1860s?"

I muttered and grumbled and generally surrounded myself with a cloud of dissatisfaction.

And now, freshly moved in to my much smaller, much older, much dingier room, I find myself truly loving it. Bigger is not always better. Newer is not always nicer. When there is room for improvement, I find myself improving, instead of settling into complacency.

Happiness is not what you have but what you do with what you are given. I let myself be miserable for an entire week and a half, instead of seeing the world of possibility in change. Lesson learned.

~Christina

The one about the new year

Happy New Year! I'm starting to feel like Korea is my second home. It's a good feeling to begin to be self-sufficient in a country that is so different than what I've been used to all my life.

I feel like this is going to be a good term, overall. The January/February term has a lot of big events in it. For example, my birthday, which is also Valentine's day. Also, Koreans celebrate the lunar new year at the beginning of February, so we get nearly a whole week off, as it is a national holiday. Remarkably, the lunar new year falls at the same time as Groundhog's Day, so while all the Koreans are off doing their traditional bowing, receiving money and advice from their parents, I'll be tuned in to see whether or not the groundhog saw his shadow and watching Bill Murray. SCORE.

Other important things that happen this term: my sister's birthday, my mom's birthday, my dad's birthday, and my pre-birthday weekend-off-of-fun. Additionally, this is my last term of working at Kinderest. It's been an amazing six months, but next term I'll either be working in the main program or at the textbook office. To be honest, I hope it's the latter. I think it would be amazing to get some real-life experience at an editing, journalism-related job.

That's about all I can think of for now. More soon!

~Christina

Last night of break.

I thought I would be cool and post everyday of break to keep everyone informed about my awesome time here, alone, in Korea. But then a lot of crappy stuff happened and frankly I didn't feel like blogging much at all. But the good news is, I am alright, things are getting fixed, and it is a new year, which so far has been amazing. I have fantastic family, great friends and I am glad to be alive and here.

For a while now I have been feeling like I was floating along through life, not really actively participating. I am working but I only work to get through the day to face another day. I have not really been taking each day as a chance to experience life. But no more! This break has given me ample time to think about things and one of the things I thought about was why am I here in Korea? This has been on my mind a lot lately and I figure it is time I started finding out why, instead of sitting around wondering why and then not getting any magical answers. Life is what happens while you are sitting around waiting to figure out what life is all about. And mine is passing me by.

I have only been here for four months and yet it seems like a lifetime. And the reason it does is because I have been counting down since the day I got here. I have been feeling like when I left the States I pushed a giant Pause button on my life and I came over here to bide my time and then when I get back I can push the giant Play button and get on with it. But that is so messed up. Just because I left everything I thought was important in my life doesn't mean my life has to stop. Relationships cannot grow and become more if you just sit passively and watch them. You cannot advance in a career if you don't try to move up. You cannot become great if you settle for hanging around being mediocre.

Why am i counting down the days til I can go home? What was so great about being home? Sure, I have friends, people I love, relationships I want to take part in. But my job was lame, my apartment was lame, my car sucked. It was nice to be in a country that actually understood me when I spoke to them out loud. It was nice to be comfortable and lame. But really thats all it was. Comfy and lame. Obviously not all of it. I am trying to make a point here. As much as I love home, this place can also be home. Sure it may not be my number one future destination, but there are plenty of things about Korea that Kick America's butt.

For example. The crime rate here is super low. Really you do not have to fear the Koreans. The people you have to worry about are all the foreigners. And the Military, but thats another story.

Public transportation is amazing. You can get anywhere, any time of the day or night and it is safe, and relatively cheap. Services. You can get just about anything done for really cheap. Like, if you are moving, some guys will come, pack up all your stuff, move it to your new place and unpack it all. And that is not extra. If you want your groceries delivered after a big shopping spree, you can just tell them to take it to your house for you. And its free. You can get lots of random things done really cheap here. I found out today its because Korea is a group community. People working together as a group for the common good. This was actually in reference to the bath houses (which I will not be visiting). You wash my back, I'll wash yours. So not one person is profiting off of everyone else's misfortune. You want to get your car fixed, great, I am a mechanic, so I will fix it. My house needs blah blah, super you are a carpenter, you can fix it. etc. My point is, Korea has it figured out. And its nice.

Anyway back to me not being lame anymore. I finally decided that I am not going to be happy ever if I just sit here counting the days til I go home. There are other things I could be doing. I could be travelling the country side, checking out cool Korean stuff. I could be reading books, learning the language, writing more, working out... I could be living.

We have a house keeper... so I have gotten really lazy about cleaning anything ever. But tonight I cleaned our bathroom because I think she skips the bathroom. And it kind of felt great. That is MY bathroom. I can clean it. Have I lost my mind? Possibly. But I feel great. And I can't wait to go to school tomorrow and teach those darn kids. This term can be super fun. It can get going and by living I will actually be speeding the whole thing up. Isn't it true? Summer always goes way too fast cause its just so much fun and then Christmas never comes.....

Anyway those are my thoughts for the evening =)

Michelle